it snowed today. again.

i feel all "soul-searchy" today. i always revert to writing when i'm like this. and it's usually around a time when something big is about to happen in my life. i found this out today while reading my journal. listen to this uber-sensitive courtney after she just saw "into the wild" {a great film}, also ignore any grammar errors or expletives, its my journal:

[i just watched this movie and feel like i identified with the character in some ways. i want to be "self-actualized". i want to know who i am. what i am. where i am going. i struggle with heavy shit like LOVE, DISAPPOINTMENT, REJECTION, HAPPINESS, PAIN, SORROW. what are these words? how have i felt these things? do i know what each feel like? its 2:30 and i just feel like crying for the pains of the world. i hate it when i get like this. anyways, i shouldn't have written now cause i'm all "feely". i feel it all. i feel it all. "happiness is only real when it's shared."]

whoa.

sorry to unload on you like this. but i'm moving on from an imperative point in my life in less than a month. i'm freakin'. more from said journal:

[i just feel like i can't deal with disappointment as well as i should be able to. and it cripples me. this is one of the truest statements i've heard in my life, "every plan is a tiny prayer to father time" {thank you ben gibbard} i make plans, i have dreams and hope and pray they are met, if not, i am disappointed. i feel like i'm not living life to the fullest and taking advantage of every breath god gives me and this causes a great disappointment: sorrow. i wanted to have a marvelous college experience, i wanted to be a school counselor or therapist, i wanted to work at a group home. i wanted to move to new york, be a chef, serve a mission . . . not to say these things haven't played out or still cannot be, but it is because they haven't gone the way i thought, that i sorrow.
i make this "prayer to father time" and hope that my final year in college year goes well . . . i hope to feel i am doing the right thing with my life after college, whether that means moving to new york or not . . . but if not.]

that's basically how i'm feeling right now. and i hope it wasn't inappropriate to share.

loves.