it snowed today. again.

i feel all "soul-searchy" today. i always revert to writing when i'm like this. and it's usually around a time when something big is about to happen in my life. i found this out today while reading my journal. listen to this uber-sensitive courtney after she just saw "into the wild" {a great film}, also ignore any grammar errors or expletives, its my journal:

[i just watched this movie and feel like i identified with the character in some ways. i want to be "self-actualized". i want to know who i am. what i am. where i am going. i struggle with heavy shit like LOVE, DISAPPOINTMENT, REJECTION, HAPPINESS, PAIN, SORROW. what are these words? how have i felt these things? do i know what each feel like? its 2:30 and i just feel like crying for the pains of the world. i hate it when i get like this. anyways, i shouldn't have written now cause i'm all "feely". i feel it all. i feel it all. "happiness is only real when it's shared."]


sorry to unload on you like this. but i'm moving on from an imperative point in my life in less than a month. i'm freakin'. more from said journal:

[i just feel like i can't deal with disappointment as well as i should be able to. and it cripples me. this is one of the truest statements i've heard in my life, "every plan is a tiny prayer to father time" {thank you ben gibbard} i make plans, i have dreams and hope and pray they are met, if not, i am disappointed. i feel like i'm not living life to the fullest and taking advantage of every breath god gives me and this causes a great disappointment: sorrow. i wanted to have a marvelous college experience, i wanted to be a school counselor or therapist, i wanted to work at a group home. i wanted to move to new york, be a chef, serve a mission . . . not to say these things haven't played out or still cannot be, but it is because they haven't gone the way i thought, that i sorrow.
i make this "prayer to father time" and hope that my final year in college year goes well . . . i hope to feel i am doing the right thing with my life after college, whether that means moving to new york or not . . . but if not.]

that's basically how i'm feeling right now. and i hope it wasn't inappropriate to share.



miss britt said...

I call these things squishy feelings. and I'm really bad at sharing them. so I'm glad that you did. I love your "feel it all" part. that's beautiful. holla if you would like to be squishy together.

Sarah and Wes said...

Thanks for sharing. Your journal entries sound just like you. You find the most beautiful quotes.